What do you do, when you learn your teacher/mentor/leader/Guru/church/boss has screwed up? I remember many public instances where leaders or experts were discovered stealing money, having affairs with their students, or committing crimes beyond belief. The public outrage is the same. Hands fly to the face, wailing “How could this happen?” “How could they do this?” “They should know better.”
Those examples are larger public scandals. Let’s bring this closer to home. Imagine someone in your past, who you held great respect for, and you left the relationship. You changed your opinion of their teachings, they acted inappropriately, or you were angry at a policy change of the organization. You left the relationship, hurt, angry and disillusioned. I’ll use the term “teacher” here, you are welcome to insert whatever title fits for you.
This happens, yes? Actually, this happens a lot. The question is “why?” Why do people who are intelligent, spiritual, or powerful do bad things? Or, why do we fall gaga over a teacher, only to feel disillusioned and angry later? Whose fault is it, after all?
Much like a child being parented over a lifespan, teacher/student/client/mentor relationships also develop and change over time. At the beginning, you meet the teacher and are excited and fascinated by what they have to offer. You are acquaintances, so you know little about the teacher and their daily life.
The next stage is imitation. You are absorbing information from the teacher. You hold great respect for them, and want to be like them. Truly, imitation is a compliment and very natural within a relationship. The information is new, and you haven’t learned to synthesize this into your practice/job/skill set, so imitation is very effective. As a student, there continues be distance between you and the teacher in the relationship. As this is a new relationship and you are excited with learning; your observations frankly screen out unlikeable features of the teacher. We are very forgiving of the teachers’ faults at this early stage.
As you continue down the learning path, you begin to question the guidance of the teacher. The newness of the relationship has worn off, you are integrating the information, and the teacher’s human-ness is recognized. This can create a fork in the road of the relationship, as conflict may emerge. The ability to hold the relationship during this time is contingent on the teacher’s response to the student’s questioning and challenges. This period can create a deeper learning experience, or be fraught with peril.
When students view the learning as priority, the relationship can survive conflict, even in the case of a rigid learning structure. Students are hungry for learning, they are willing to ignore or overlook undesirable aspects of the teacher’s personality or behavior.
If the student views the teacher as priority, things can get rocky depending upon the teacher’s behavior. A rigid teaching style that demands compliance, harms the student, as compliance is valued more than curiosity. Or, if the teacher has poor boundaries and brings the student into their personal life to serve their emotional or business needs, the student risks being enmeshed with the teacher, and can lose their way along the learning journey.
So how does this happen? How can teachers take advantage of their students, or have a poor teaching practices? The reason is easy; the effects of this are difficult to digest.
Teachers……are……human.
That’s the easy part. I do value diversity, but essentially, all humans develop in the same way. We all have blood, veins, a digestive system. We all have thoughts and desires. We experience sexual urges, attraction, and are influenced by power. Oh, no, you say? Sorry…..yes! In the end, we all struggle with basic human needs and influences. We want to be loved, accepted and meet our daily needs. Being a teacher and having influence over others, is a powerful feeling. Usually, this is a good thing, when the teaching relationship is handled with care and respect. Where it goes downhill can happen in multiple ways.
If a teacher is overly invested in their power, students are harmed. Emotionally, financially, physically, sexually, at all levels of severity. End of story.
When students are overly invested in meeting emotional needs through the teacher, and the teacher farts during a session; the teacher is now seen as a fallible human being, and the student may be unable to adapt to this reality. Granted, I’m being sarcastic, but this is the baseline concept. Some of us struggle when we learn that the teacher is human. So if the teacher is chronically late, or has temper tantrums, or bad boundaries, this makes it more difficult for the student to hang onto the desires of a perfect and loving, parental teacher.
As I said before, this period of conflict can create much deeper, mature learning. When the teacher falls from grace, and the student accepts the teacher’s humanness, learning resumes as the priority, but at a much deeper level. Students are free to explore and integrate the information, without being overly tied into the teacher’s behavior. Students will leave the relationship when they have gained all that is needed, and move onto another teacher, or period of their growth. This is based on the teacher’s allowance of the student’s questions, and/or ability to emotionally hold the relationship during the conflict.
If the teacher is unable to do this, the relationship may not survive this stage. Or, if the student is unable to accept the teacher’s humanness, they may abruptly leave the relationship, disillusioned.
At this point in time, you may be reflecting upon past teacher/student relationships and judging if you handled it well, or not. Move away from the judgment, and allow learning from the reflection. Here are some points to consider, as you continue your teaching/student journey.
What’s the priority? Learning the information, or meeting emotional needs through the teacher/student?
Are you paying attention to your behavior when teaching? Be present for yourself, as well as the student.
Are friends complaining that you spend too much time with the teacher/student? Friends and family can be a natural balance for us. Accept the feedback, and consider it.
Are you changing your teaching/learning practices specifically for the student/teacher? If yes, why? Any time you go off structure or policy, is a good time for reflection.
Is your life in balance between work/family/friends/fun/health & rest?
Finally, gently remember that we all are human. We have needs, desires, and our judgment can falter at times. Forgive yourself, stay focused on the present, while continuously improving your teaching craft.
If you are interested in seeing a future blog on a topic of interest, contact me at teribeemer.com
Teri is a licensed counselor, practicing in Oregon/Washington. Contact Teri for your free consultation.