I was attending a training recently, and I caught myself having judgmental thoughts towards the trainer. I’m sure you’ve done this. I decided what the trainer should say, and critiquing her power point slides. While I was judging, I discovered I missed some of the lecture as I was too busy in my own brain to listen to the presentation.
I was not listening with “open ears”. Instead I was listening minimally, and allowing my thoughts and judgment to take my attention. How many times have I been in session with parents, bemoaning the actions of their teenager? When I asked them how they handled the problem, their reply was “I talked with them about it”. “I talked with them about it”. What this means (and I do truly love parents) is; “I talked at them about it”.
It isn’t my intention to beat up on parents. God knows I wasn’t brave enough to have kids. I’ve experienced the same thing with management. I was an employee in a small non-profit. We had a manager who barely said two words in any given meeting. But when she was promoted to Executive Director of the company, all of a sudden, she would drop by my office and talk my ear off. Frankly, I experienced the same thing as I promoted up the food chain. I’ve caught myself talking when I was a manager, when it wasn’t really necessary to do so…..
Listening is the most powerful communication tool we have. Truly listening to hear, and understand; not to form our next sentence, or decide what we need at the grocery later. Here are big-tips for effective listening:
- Put the cell phone down. Make the person in front of you a priority. Texting, answering the phone, talking to a bystander, only sends the message the speaker isn’t important to you.
- Yes, I said it. Breathe while the person is speaking. It keeps your focus on the conversation and not what you want to say.
- Be curious. what are they saying, why are they saying it? What do they need? American’s are starved for attention. Listening for a moment or two will win you points in the relationship, especially if things are difficult later.
- Remember your turn to speak is coming. Wait for a natural break in the conversation before responding. Take a breath before you speak to slow the conversation down. Ask a question to clarify what you’ve heard, and show you are interested.
- Practice “Reflective Listening”. “What I heard you say, is….”. It may sound weird at first, but the speaker now knows you are engaged, and can restate if you didn’t fully understand.
- If you are sandwiched between 10 deadlines and can’t listen at the moment, tell the speaker, and reschedule the conversation, and….Follow Through. Trust is created when we actually follow through on our promises.
- Set your own feelings aside during the conversation. I promise, they’ll be there later for you to work through…..
Finally, progress, not perfection, is the key. Practice one tip for a while until it becomes habit. People will recognize when you are improving your communication style, and be grateful for your effort. If you are already a great communicator, check in with yourself during the next conversation. Even the best communicators can refresh our learning from time to time.
Stay Tuned for Next Blog: Demystifying Trauma Informed Care for Professionals.